The Clutter Cycle: How ADHD Affects My Ability to Keep the Chaos of Housekeeping Under Control

Ugh. The clutter. The disorganization. The "where the heck is my _______?!?"

ADHD makes organization very difficult for a few reasons. If we go back to those executive functions I mentioned a while back, you'll remember I have difficulty sorting and prioritizing. Knowing what is most important in order of urgency and/or value is hard to decipher. Compound that with easily becoming overwhelmed, and you have a recipe for disaster. Figuratively speaking, my house looks like a mid-West tornado has screamed through it more often than not.

The clutter begins with trying to put things away in the first place. If it doesn't have a "home", it goes wherever is most convenient to put it down--by the front door, on the kitchen table, on my nightstand, etc. Newly purchased items may live on the floor for months before they finally get a home. Sometimes even putting things away that already have homes still gets seems like the daunting task of the century (i.e. hanging clothes back up in the closet after I've washed them--it can't be done).

My organizational life, in a nutshell.

After the mess has built up, it's overwhelming trying to decide where to start. Do I wash the sink FULL of dishes? Do I fold the mountain of laundry? Do I pick up the dirty sock that has been sitting on the floor for three weeks days? What about the stack(s) of mail on the dinner table? After looking around and getting overwhelmed at the scope of the the task, I usually just leave it and tell myself I'll do it later.

[Around this time I sometimes watch an episode of "Hoarding: Buried Alive" in an attempt to scare motivate myself to do something about the mess.]
 
Once the initial overwhelm has dissipated enough for me to look around some more, I start to feel anxious about the clutter. It's almost like it's going to take on a life of it's own and hold me for ransom if I don't do something soon. To make it worse, I beat myself up for not being more organized in the first place or for not taking care of the mess sooner. I talk myself down, saying: "It's just laundry, dishes, mail, etc. Everyone else seems to manage it, why can't you?"

At that point, the rookies Anxiety and Frustration meet up with returning champion Overwhelm. They go a few rounds until I decide it's a lose-lose match up, and I give up entirely, retreating to some other sphere where I don't have to think about it. 

[Imagine Anxiety as Anakin, Frustration as Obi-Wan, and Overwhelm as Count Dooku. Overhwhelm dies in the end, Anxiety appears to have won, but really goes to the dark side shortly after, and Frustration has to live on watching watching his failure turn into Darth Vader and gone on to wreak havoc. See, no one really wins.]

The vicious cycle usually continues until I have some sort of nervous breakdown when the anxiety starts man-handling the overwhelm and I get sucked into the black hole of decluttering, organizing, reorganizing, and cleaning at the expense of everything else (food, sleep, appointments...). Remember hyperfocus?-- still a topic for another day.

If I do manage to break the cycle and start the organizing process, I still struggle to make any progress. When it comes to de-cluttering, all items seem to come in at the same value (an old pair of shoes that I haven't worn in well over a year still feel as important as my favorite blouse). Trying to deciding what to keep, what to toss, and what to donate feels impossible. Papers are especially hard to keep up with. Oh, the piles and piles of papers!!!

And forget "straightening up" a room. What started as straightening up in one room ends up as scrubbing the baseboards in the bathroom or sorting through a box of old sentimentals I found under the bed.

In the book I mentioned previously, the author gave many great tips on organizing and cleaning. What ideas do you have for managing the clutter? I'll do a "tips" post in the near future, and would love to include some of your solutions.

Overwhelm? Overwhelmedness? Overwhelmth? Whaterever...I give up

Remember my "herding cats" analogy from my last post? No? Here's a refresher:

"Imagine you have a bunch of cats that you must put into a single box before you may begin working on task "X." You finish that task and move on to task "Y". That's great! Except now you have to let all the cats out and then get them all back into a different box before you can start. Same thing before task "Z" and every other task you need to work on."

For me, completing mentally complex tasks often goes something like this: Cats--X--cats--Y--cats--Z--cats--cats--cats--cats--cats--give up. By "mentally complex" I don't mean building an atom bomb out of toothpicks and last week's leftover tuna casserole. I mean carrying on a conversation, getting out the door with everything I need, choosing an outfit that doesn't look I got dressed by my 3-year-old in the dark. Things that people usually have to put some thought into, but rarely become overwhelmed by. 

[By the way, I looked for a long time to try and find the noun for the word overwhem (like if I have become distraught by my team loosing, I am feeling something called distress; If I have become overwhelmed by my to-do list, I am feeling something called____?). I choose to use overwhelm as both a verb and a noun, even though that usage may be a bit archaic...I digress.]

Being overwhelmed happens so easily because every stimuli seems pressing me to acknowledge it, not just the pieces relevant to the task at hand. When everything going on around me is begging me to pay attention to it, I can hear Overwhelm coming up the driveway. And then it knocks on the door--one of the kids drops their fork on the floor; I can't find my keys; someone tries to call me on the phone. Enter "fight or flight," stage left.

My first response is to try to hide from it. I'll look for anything to engross myself in so that I don't have to think about anything else. It may be scrolling through social media or reorganizing my sock drawer (once I start, I can't stop).Thank you, Word of Wisdom, for not allowing me to self-medicate at this point.

My second line of defense is to fight it. And not in a "you won't get the best of me, Overwhelm; I'm stronger than this," sort of way. More in a "Hey (all you stimuli), shut up before I make you shut up (with face burning, fingers clenching, heart pounding)" sort of way. The worst is when my children, husband, or any other person falls into the "stimuli" category. I'm sorry, my loves. I'm so, so, sorry.

Since I've been digging deeper into ADHD, what its direct symptoms are, and what things it can lead to, I've been feeling ALL my emotions more acutely. The thoughts and feelings I've been trying to bury for years are clawing their way to the surface again. It's been really hard, but I feel like I'm learning things about myself I never understood before. Although I don't mean to excuse myself from past bad behavior, it's been a healing balm to my soul to learn that I'm not a bad mom, wife, daughter, or friend at heart--I just need to learn how to organize my thoughts, emotions, home, and life better. That I can become the mom, wife, daughter, and friend I want to be. That I don't have to allow Overwhelm to control me.

So get off my doorstep, Overwhelm. You're not welcome here anymore!

Distraction in ADHD: More Than Just...Oh, a squirrel!

For those of us with ADHD, distractibility comes from being unable to prioritize the stimuli around us. Everything seems to be calling for our attention, and it's difficult to differentiate what we actually need to pay attention to from what should be ignored or addressed later. For example, I may be trying to read an email, but I can't help but notice my glasses are dirty, the faucet is dripping, someone is cooking bacon, the blinds are crooked, my foot itches, the lights are on, I'm breathing, and everything else in between. It's like being in a room full of people who are all trying to talk to you at the same time. At times there's so much mental noise I can't actually hear much of anything.

In fact, some might say that "attention deficit" is a misnomer. The problem isn't that I don't have enough attention. The problem is that I either have a little bit of attention trying to go in a million different directions at once, or I have ALL my attention on one. single. thing. [The latter is called "hyperfocus"--more on that another day.] There is very little in-between. 

Ok, some may be thinking that since my attention seems to be be in a lot of places at once that I'd be a great multitasker. WRONG! I'm terrible at it. Let's start by clearing up a common misconception about multitasking; people can't actually think about multiple things at once. They simply go back and forth between tasks so rapidly they don't even realize it. For people with ADHD, those transitions are a lot harder. Going from task to task (or topic to topic) can be a little like this:

Imagine you have a bunch of cats that you must put into a single box before you may begin working on task "X." You finish that task and want to start working on "Y". That's great! Except now you have to let all the cats out and then get them all back into a different single box before you can start. Same thing before moving to task "Z" and every other task you need to work on.

This "herding cats" type of mental transitioning can make basic things like prepping meals, choosing clothes for a well-coordinated outfit, or feeding two toddlers extra challenging. This goes the same for carrying on conversations (especially over the phone) or even just listening to people talk. It happens all too frequently that a speaker has moved on to their next point before I've the had the chance to get all my "cats" gathered into the first "box".

But, cats aside, I have picked up some tricks for dealing with the distraction, and I'm sure I'll find more as I continue to study up on the condition. Any tips or tricks you find helpful for minimizing distractions throughout the day? Leave your ideas in the comments! I'll being doing some "tips and tricks" posts in the future and I'd love to include some your little nuggets of wisdom :D

The Bread and Butter of [my] ADHD

Several months ago as I was perusing (read: scrolling endlessly through) Pinterest, I saw something that caught my eye. It was an article about ADHD in girls, and was intriguing because I didn't realize that there were difference forms of ADHD. I clicked on it, read it, was shocked by how many symptoms I could relate to, then forgot about it for a while. As my life continued to hand me struggles I felt I couldn't cope with, I remembered the article and decided to look into it a little more. After some research on mental health, it became clear that I had a problem. I didn't know if it was ADHD, depression, or some other disorder, but I had a problem. Inside I knew, but still wasn't quite ready to admit, that something was actually wrong with me.

After months of desperately trying to cope, I finally got the courage to ask my doctor about it. With his confirmation that yes, I do have ADHD, came both relief and a bit of sadness. Relief that many of my struggles came from a legitimate source. Sadness that there actually WAS something wrong with me--no one wants to be told there is something wrong with them.

Although it's been a roller coaster of emotions, I recently went to the library and picked up a few books that I thought might help. Currently, I am reading, "The Queen of Distraction: How Women with ADHD Can Conquer Chaos, Find Focus, and Get More Done," by Terry Matlen. It's been EYE OPENING to see that many things I have always had a hard time with are related to the ADHD.

To help you understand the situation a little better, here is a brief explanation of ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) as explained by Matlen:

ADHD characterized by impaired executive functioning such as planning, strategizing, organizing, goal setting, paying attention to details, and prioritizing, as well as self-regulation. These "deficits" result in two main types of ADHD: Inattentive Type and Hyperactivite/Impulsive Type (though it is possible be have a combination of the two).

In general, people struggling with ADHD often:

• become easily distracted
• find it hard to stop doing things that are interesting to them
• impulsively make decisions
• have trouble following directions carefully when working on a project
• have difficulty following through on promises or commitments
• struggle to do things in the proper sequence
• speed while driving
• have trouble relaxing

In addition, people who fall into the Inattentive sub-type (like me) tend to:

• have trouble paying attention to details
• make careless mistakes
• feel sluggish
• experience hypersensitivities
• have trouble staying on task unless the activity is very interesting
• have a poor memory
• see people's lips moving, but may not pay attention to what is being said
• avoid tasks that require a lot of mental effort
• forget where they've placed things

I felt I could check off nearly all of these symptoms in some form or another before my talk with the doctor, but it wasn't until I started reading into the subject after my diagnosis that I started to understand what they really meant in my day-to-day life.

Because I have Inattentive Type ADHD, I was able to fly under the radar. Sure, people noticed my short-comings (like my college roommate who constantly called me out when I started to wander around the apartment during my homework time, or my mom/dad who made trips to the school multiple times a week to bring me things I had forgotten), but nothing was obvious enough to warrant a doctor's visit. It wasn't until my previous coping mechanisms started to fail, and my flawed view of myself and the world started to skew beyond recognition that I realized I needed help.

Looking Forward: Learning to See the World Through ADHD-colored glasses

About 2 weeks ago I had an appointment with a new primary care doctor. I hadn’t seen a regular doctor for a checkup in years because I was either in college and away from home, or I was seeing a OB/GYN.  This had worked fine for those years because I rarely got sick, and the doctors I did see were able to take care of any immediate needs. However, this past year has been especially difficult for me emotionally. I felt broken. I felt lonely, even when I was surrounded by people. I felt constantly overwhelmed. I felt hopeless, unneeded, and sometimes unwanted. I felt I was replaceable--like someone else could fill all of my roles better than I could. I felt I was letting everyone down, including my own husband and children. And those emotions HURT. Really badly. I decided enough was enough, and I made an appointment.

After going through the general physical exam, lab work, and blah, blah, blah, he asked if I had any other questions for him. I hesitated. Was I ready to swallow my pride and ask for help? Mustering all the courage I had left, I asked him what he knew about adult ADHD. He smiled and said, “A lot actually! I’ve treated many patients for it. Let’s see what we can do.” After filling out a questionnaire and talking with the doctor, the both burdensome and relieving answer came: Yes, you have ADHD.

            What? Me? I mean, I thought I had a lot of the symptoms, but it the idea still seemed so foreign. Kids have ADHD, but I’m an adult. People with ADHD are hyper, loud, and impulsive, but I’ve always been quiet, well-behaved, and respectful. But I’m also forgetful, always losings things, missing appointments/parties/receptions, losing track of time, not following through on commitments, running late, slow to process information, and hard to carry on conversations with. For all these qualities, I assumed I just needed to try harder, even though attempt after attempt failed to bring improvement. After making a careless mistake/omission, I often jokingly said that “I guess just suck at life,” but inside I felt it was true. 

         

          I have all too often had to rely on others’ graciousness to succeed: my parents for making endless trips to the school to bring me things I needed but had forgotten; teachers for giving me extensions after missing assignment deadlines; friends who forgave me after flaking out on them; mentors who repeated instructions to me time after time, answering the same question over and over again because the answer didn’t stick. I flew under the radar as a child because I was well-behaved, and most of my deficits could be blamed on childhood, on naivety, on “she’s still learning.” As I entered into middle school and high school, I think I developed the trait of perfectionism in an attempt to camouflage my other short-comings. Through college, I struggled to do all that was expected of me, but assumed that it was just part of going to college. In my marriage and after having children, I began to run out of tools. My perfectionism led me to give up on things that I had desperately tried to do, but were unable to finish. I began to feel like a failure, like a let-down. I saw others around me thriving under similar circumstances, and felt I must not be cut out to be a mom, a wife, a nurse, etc. I developed strong feelings of depression from past failures, and felt a lot of anxiety about future ones. I decided something needed to change.

                And then came the diagnosis. I found out that I don’t just suck at life. I may have failed, but I’m not destined to be a failure. I’m not broken, I just need some upgrades to my approach at life. I am still going through the grieving process and trying to understand what this diagnosis means for the rest of my life. On one hand, it’s hard to internalize that this is something I will always have--that it can’t be healed. On the other hand, it’s a relief to have my struggles validated, to see that there is help, to understand that my short-comings most often stem from a biological source and not a flawed character. 

                I am just starting this journey, and I know there is a lot of learning, relearning, and internal struggling to come. It won’t be easy, but I'm looking forward to finding therapies, people, processes, systems, and even medications that can help me live my life. I'm looking forward to learning how to succeed at work, at home, and in relationships. I'm looking forward.